The Bleach Pet Adoption Center
by ShitsandGiggles-TheCrackTwins
Summary: Welcome to B-PAC! At this wonderous facility you may request to take home any of the Bleach characters you would want. All you need to do is fill out one little form and we shall reply to you about your new pet(s). Rated for use of colorful words and extreme pervertedness!
1. QuestionForm

Disclaimer – We own nothing!

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Welcome to the BLEACH PET ADOPTION CENTER, or B-PAC.

Here at B-PAC we offer the 'finest' Bleach pets available. And remember, once you adopt your loving pet, they're your fucking problem! Ahem, please consider the following before you fill out your form…

_*We at the B-PAC are not responsible for any damage done to you, your loved ones, your house, your personal belongings, your stolen belongings, any medical conditions you receive, spontaneous fire, uncontrolled chaos, explosions, or any other technical difficulties done by your soon-to-be pet.*_

Now, onto the forms –

(Pen)Name:

Date of birth (month and day only):

Gender:

Occupation (Human, Shinigami, or Arrancar):

Adoptee(s) (Maximum of 3):

Mental status:

Fangirl Level (0-10; 0 being the greatest):

Compatibility Questions-

1.) A hand comes out of your toilet would you - ?

A) Shake hands with it. B) Scream. C) Continue with your business. D) Jack off with the hand (are you really that desperate?)

2.) If you wake up in the idle of the night and find your adoptee noming on your leg, what do you do?

A) Whack them with your shoe. B) Fangirl at the cuteness. C) Scream and run to the 4th Division like a maniac. D) Kick them out of the house.

3.) If you come home and found your adoptee shredding your clothes, what would be your first thought?

A) Aww, cute. B) There goes my payday… C) You mother *censored* D) Cry in the corner.

4.) What is the first thing you would say if you spotted a butterfly in your yard?

A) Aizen! B) Get off my lawn you freeloader! C) BUG! KILL IT, KILL IT WITH A ROCK! D) Gay… E) A wild Butterfree has appeared.

5.) If your adoptee began throwing a tantrum, what would you do?

A) Give 'em a cookie. B) Find a taser C) Cry along.

6.) What are you getting one for our pets for?

A) Rape. B) Eternal servitude. C) Rid myself of loneliness (I'm forever alone...) D) Attack all who defy me! :D

7.) If you were to come home one day and find your pet watching your secret porn stash, what would you do?

A) What porn stash? *shifty eyes* B) Accuse the pet for being a pervert. C) Grab some popcorn and join in on the fun. D) Rape the little bastard as "punishment".

8.) What is your favorite color?

A) What da fuq? B) Skittles. C) Hueco Mundo. D) Nature. E) None, I HATE EVERYTHING! (we recommend that you get laid and come back later)

9.) If Slenderman came out from under your bed, what action would you take?

A) Throw pet at him and scream "PROTECT ME!" B) What does this have to do with Bleach? C) Who the hell is Slenderman? (Dude, get a life…)

10.) Favorite perverted word?

A) Boobs. B) Penis. C) Vagina. D) Washing machine!

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Thank you for taking the time to fill out this form. Just send us a PM or review with your answers and we shall reply with your results (as chapters).

And please keep in mind these few simple things:

Certain adoptees are a set animal, for example – Sajin Komamura is a wolf. Yammy is a gorilla, Nnoitra is a praying mantis, Barragan is a turtle, Harribel is a shark, Luppi is an octopus, Grimmjow is a cat, etc.

On the other hand when choosing your new pet, write his/her name under the Adoptee(s) section and in parentheses write the animal you wish them to be. Animals that are optional are cats, dogs, snakes, bears, bats, Mr. Swgiggles, fish, mice, monkeys, prehistoric creatures (i.e. saber-tooth tigers), mythological creatures (i.e. unicorns and griffins), most insects, most livestock, and pretty much any animal that you wish.

Another note is that some pets come in pairs and are inseparable. Examples of these would be Starrk and Lilynette, as well as Kenpachi and Yachiru.

Pets also can come in full size or chibi – with a few exceptions. Such as Nnoitra (the bastard wouldn't get into the chibifier so he stays full size…) and Toshiro (he's already a chibi, no getting any bigger XD).

Anyway, have fun with your new pet, and good luck!


	2. BlueDeom13-Toshiro,Byakuya,andUlquiorra

Disclaimer – We own nothing!

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Hello BlueDemon13! You are a shinigami with mental anxiety, and are a fangirl of level zero. You have chosen Toshiro Hitsugaya; baby ice dragon, Ulquiorra Schiffer; chibi bat, and Byakuya Kuchiki; chibi cat. Thank you for filling out our forms, now here are your results:

Once you brought your adoptees home, your tiny Toshiro tugged on your shihakusho sleeve and requested to go to the bathroom. You went into super mommy mode and picked up the baby dragon; carrying him the whole way, even though he was yelling the entire time and threatened to freeze your boobs off if you didn't put him down. In the bathroom as you went to open the lid to the toilet, a hand suddenly shot out of it and it shook vigorously. You twitched, screamed, dropped Toshiro, and you jumped out the window yelling, "CAPTAIN KUROTSUCHI, TAKE YOUR DAMN INENTION OUT OF MY TOLIET!" Meanwhile, Toshiro couldn't hold it any longer and he ended up freezing the whole bathroom with his tiny wee-wee. (Apparently baby ice dragons' piss freezes…)

When you get back home and dislodge that blasted hand out of your toilet, you send Ulquiorra to attack Mayuri. After that you cleaned up poor (extremely embarrassed) Toshiro and defreeze the bathroom so that you could shower and get ready for bed. Lucky for you, both Toshiro and Byakuya curl up in bed with you; however Ulquiorra refused to sleep with "soul reaper trash" and he headed up finding someplace else to sleep (which just happens to be the ceiling within your closet). You were able to fall asleep quiet contently; though to your disappointment you ended waking up in the middle of the night. Why? The answer to that question would be that little Byakuya was noming on your leg in his sleep. You took a deep inhale of breath, but instead of lashing out at the feline like you planned you just couldn't help fangirling. In fact you ended up hugging Byakuya in a death grip; effectively waking the nobleman up. Royally pissed the neko ended up ripping out your hair (repeatedly). Here's a tip: he may not have been so agitated if you used less cherry blossom scented shampoo.

After getting your leg examined by Captain Unohana, for letting the stoic bastard nom on your leg, you return home and instead of sleeping through the little hours of the night you had left, you return home to find Ulquiorra ripping all your shinigami uniforms into shreds while saying, "stupid trash shihakushos." Your face flared up to the color to a baboon's ass and you yelled, "You mother *censored*." You grab the Espada by the horn and he looked at you like, "oh shit!" But before you could "say" anything, the bat shot his green cero in your face and he flew off while you screamed bloody murder in a fetal position about your now charred face. Looks like Unohana had a long night ahead of her, and you as well.

After having your face bandaged up like a mummy and a peaceful sleep at the 4th Division, you return home and spend a nice day outside in the backyard garden. While Toshiro and Ulquiorra played in the flowers, Byakuya slept in your lap as you played _Pokémon _on your_ Gameboy Advanced. _A hell butterfly had flown by and you couldn't resist saying, "A wild Butterfree has appeared! Byakuya, I choose you!" This woke up the cat, and he glared at you in anger. And you made things worse when you commanded, "Byakuya, use Senbonzakura Kageyoshi!" This got the stoic to mewl and look at you as if you were a dumbass, he then pulled on your arm that you were using to point at the butterfly and he proceeded to bite your finger. "How dare you tell me what to do!" He exclaimed as his tail fluffed up. The hell butterfly then fled the battle…

Disappointed in how the butterfly situation turned out, you left Byakuya and attempted to play with your two winged adoptees; praying that they'd be nicer than the other was. Sadly you only ended up getting into the middle of a fight that broke out between Toshiro and Ulquiorra. "What are you doing?" You place one hand on your hip, and the other waggled a finger in Toshiro's face (he was less dangerous to enrage). The little dragon whined and complained about Ulquiorra being mean. You sighed and told he needed to be a big boy and just deal with it, and that you would talk to the Espada later (the bat mysteriously disappeared – what a coincidence). But Toshiro just wouldn't accept that, he started to get mad (the proof being the freezing of the grass, and your legs). "Toshiro…" You try and kneel down to be eye-level with him. He starts to ball, saying how it wasn't fair. "D-Don't cry…" You state with a sniffle, and give the mini-captain a hug. Unfortunately, he just cries louder and buries his face into your shoulder. Being the wimp that you are, you cry along with him. Feeling annoyed due to all the crying, Byakuya walks over to survey the scene. Noticing the other captain, Toshiro immediately stops crying and jumps out of your grasp. "She was feeling bad and wanted a hug." The little bastard told the nobleman – as if he was never even crying.

Feeling slightly ashamed you walk back into your home. All three of your adoptees follow you inside and they all end up asleep on your couch. You now have some alone time to think. After all, your new pets have done nothing but cause you pain and suffering, and yet you still love them and want to care for them. You wanted a family, to never be alone again. You sigh and walk to your room, finding your diary under your bed. Using this rare chance of being to yourself you start writing in it – writing your frustrations away (because we do not recommend killing your pets). While lost in your dreamscape, Ulquiorra wanders into the room. You look up and see him, his sad looking face only making you feel worse. "What's wrong woman?" He asks as he walks closer. You reply to him with only the wave of your hand. He then asks, "If you are so upset with us, why did you choose us?" You stop to think about his question, and before you can answer him, he finds his way into your lap and reads your diary pages. "How are you lonely if you have us around?" Ulquiorra looks to you in a questionable manner. Just then both Toshiro and Byakuya run into the room and each hold onto one of your legs. "I didn't get to finish, you guys are the cure to my loneliness."

After spending a good two hours of non-destructive playing, you have to go out real quick to pick up some ingredients for lunch. Your pets promise to not destroy the house and you leave to complete the needed errand. And when you return home, you are happy to find the house (and the neighborhood) is all in one piece. Upon entering the house, you find Ulquiorra and Byakuya on the couch watching the television. Nothing appears out if the ordinary – that is until Byakuya starts squirming around while he sat and some very "interesting" noises coming from the TV. You quickly dispose of your shopping bags in the kitchen and run into the living room. The two older adoptees were watching porn… and it just so happened to be your secret stash of yaoi porn. "Byakuya! Ulquiorra! You bloody perverts!" You scream as you shut the TV off. Byakuya whines and looks at you with a pout, while on the other hand Ulquiorra looks at you confusion written on his face. "What was that?" The bat asks innocently. You can only blush. "It was two guys making love to each other you imbecile." Byakuya answers for you. Ulquiorra just furrows his brows together and then shakes his head and leaves the room. You then finally get the nerve to speak, "Out of everyone in this house, you get turned on by that. I thought you loved Hisana, a woman." You pointed out to him that he was practically gay (or bisexual). The chibi cat just moaned and got off the couch heading to the bathroom. You sigh and think, 'At least he's not trying to rape the other two…'

When Byakuya was finished with his business in the bathroom he went to your room for a cat nap. You shook your head and then remembered; where was Toshiro? Wandering around the house, you found him looking at one of your paintings on the wall – it was the one of blooming lotus flowers in winter. "You like my painting?" You ask him. He nods at you. "I noticed a lot of outdoor paintings. They all have the same colors. Blues, greens…" Toshiro pointed out. You smile at his compliment. "I just love nature, especially the colors – like the blue sky or green flower stems or even the white snow." You explain to him. Toshiro nodded and then asked if he could see the room where you painted your masterpieces. You happily walked him to your art room and the two of you ended up staying there for a good amount of time (you would have stayed all day – but Byakuya had come over to remind you about lunch).

Later on that night, you and your adoptees all went to your room. You had to find Byakuya a new place to sleep since you refused to allow the possibility of him chewing on your leg again. So after setting the nobleman a makeshift "cat-bed" you gave him a good night kiss on the cheek. You then moved to tuck in Ulquiorra, but then you remembered that he didn't sleep in a bed. So instead you give the chibi bat a kiss on the forehead and let him go find a sleeping spot (which happened to your closet again). Finally you and Toshiro got into your bed, and as you pulled the covers over the two of you, you heard a rustling under your bed. You gulp and slowly look over the edge of the bed. You happen to find Slenderman down there, and you scream – throwing Toshiro at him while yelling, "Protect me!" However you just embarrassed yourself and pissed of the baby dragon because there was no Slenderman, it was just one of your white blankets. So Toshiro left you and went to share the cat-bed with Byakuya.

During your dreams you can't stop yourself from having some of your yaoi fantasies. And they were getting good when all of a sudden; a strange noise woke you up. As you sat up in bed, you started to think it was Byakuya being horny in his sleep; so you feared for Toshiro's innocence and went over to the two adoptees, only to find that there was nothing going on. Confused, you went to check on Ulquiorra, but he was peacefully sleeping as well. And yet you still heard the odd noise. So you started to tiptoe around the house, and you find that it was your washing machine the whole time! You call yourself a messed up pervert under your breath and walk back to the room. But you forgot to check if you had clothes in the machine, because guess what, you don't! So it wasn't on for that reason, hahaha.

Thank you for choosing B-PAC, we hope you and your pets continue to have good days ahead of you!


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